One Smokin' Saturday
by Alchemine
Summary: Professor Sprout discovers some unauthorized plants growing in the Hogwarts greenhouses and enlists several of her colleagues to help her take care of them. Warning: drug use.


**Author's Note**: Before I even get started, let me say that I don't support illegal drug use. I just love the image of these four characters getting baked together on a Saturday night.

**Spoilers**: None.

**Rating**: PG-13, for drug use and a little non-graphic sex talk.

**Disclaimer**: Everything associated with the Harry Potter universe belongs to J.K. Rowling and her publishers. Not me.

As always, January was a frigid month at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Fires roared and mulled cider flowed all over the castle, and no one went outside without a heavy cloak and boots.

Inside the greenhouses, however, it was so warm and steamy that Professor Sprout had her sleeves rolled up and her hair tucked under her hat. She moved from plant to plant, fertilizing, staking and pinching back as needed. As she worked her way around the far southern corner, she suddenly spied several unfamiliar containers tucked behind the Venomous Tentacula. Frowning, she went closer to investigate.

When she saw what was growing there, her frown blossomed into a wide, delighted smile.

"It seems some of the students have been growing _Cannabis sativa_ again, Aurora," Sprout told Professor Sinistra at dinner that night.

Sinistra looked shocked. "You don't say!" she exclaimed. "I hope you confiscated it."

"Oh, yes," Sprout said calmly. "I'm keeping it very safe."

"I suppose we'll be disposing of it in the usual way?" Sinistra asked.

"I think we should," Sprout said. "Is Saturday night good for you?"

"I'll clear my calendar," said Sinistra. "Shall I invite Poppy, too?"

"By all means," said Sprout. "It's a shame it takes so many staff members to clean up after these student experiments."

"A terrible shame," said Sinistra, shaking her head in sorrow at it all. She dug into her steak and kidney pie with renewed gusto.

_The stars will be especially lovely this Saturday_, she thought.

When Saturday came around, Sprout and Sinistra waited for student curfew to pass before going to collect Madam Pomfrey. The three of them spent a moment in Pomfrey's sitting room, marveling at the quality and quantity of Sprout's confiscated plants, now nicely dried and stored in a small burlap sack.

"It's quite a lot this time," Sinistra commented. "We might need an extra person to -- er -- help us."

"I know just the person," said Pomfrey. "Follow me."

Sinistra and Sprout looked at the door in front of them in consternation.

"Surely you can't be serious, Poppy." Sinistra was half-smiling, sure that Pomfrey was about to burst out laughing and lead them someplace else. "I mean, really -- Minerva McGonagall? She sleeps with the Hogwarts rule book under her pillow."

Madam Pomfrey snorted.

"Minerva and I were in the same year at school," she said. "She was the biggest dope-smoker I've ever seen. She could have starred in a wizard version of 'Reefer Madness.' Of course, being Minerva, she had a very logical rationale for it -- always said it was the only way she could unwind from the stress of being Head Girl and getting all those perfect marks."

The other two women exchanged dubious looks. It was difficult to reconcile the image of Minerva McGonagall, teenage marijuana connoisseur, with that of Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts Deputy Headmistress and notorious hard-ass. But Pomfrey seemed so certain of herself that Sprout finally raised a hand and knocked at the door.

The Deputy Headmistress answered looking very pink-faced and damp, as if she'd been in the middle of washing up for bed. She was holding a toothbrush and sporting a mouthful of rainbow-hued foam.

"Ut oo ooo ant?" she asked querulously through it.

"We could use your help getting rid of ... this," said Sprout, holding up her stash.

McGonagall turned her head to one side and spat out her toothpaste, which vanished before it hit the floor. She leaned forward to peer into the bag. Her eyes widened.

"Oh, my," she said. "And exactly how are you proposing I help you?"

Her colleagues didn't bother to answer that. They just stared at her pointedly and waited.

"Oh," McGonagall repeated. She looked sorely tempted, but tried to demur. "I really don't think that would be appropriate ..."

"Certainly not for the STUDENTS," said Sprout, "but for US -- well, what are you going to do, give yourself a detention?"

"Come on, Minerva," Pomfrey said. "Let's see if you can still roll up with one hand."

McGonagall wavered for a minute and then caved in.

"I'll go get dressed," she said, withdrawing into her room.

Ten minutes later, Pomfrey, Sprout and McGonagall were hiding in an alcove opposite the Astronomy Tower door while Sinistra checked for rogue students. She came down chasing several very embarrassed couples, some of whom were trying to struggle back into their robes as they scuttled along in front of her. When she'd finished taking points off their Houses and shooing them back to their dormitories, she beckoned, and the three hidden adults slunk across the hall to join her.

Albus Dumbledore was sitting by his fireplace, watching scenes from around the school on a small enchanted mirror, when he saw four of his staff furtively entering the Astronomy Tower. Intrigued, he followed their progress up to the highest observatory. He smiled to himself when he realized what they were doing. It never failed to amuse him that Pomfrey, Sprout and Sinistra, who were always so professional in front of students, could act so much like a pack of schoolgirls when they were alone. He was glad to see that they'd thought to ask Minerva to join them. She never seemed to take any time for herself. A break would do her good.

Perhaps, he thought, he should stop by and visit them for a while. Not to barge in and spoil their enjoyment -- just to show that he supported them having a bit of fun on a Saturday night. Of course, it wouldn't do to show up to a party empty-handed. Smiling even more broadly, he opened a drawer in a nearby lamp table and began selecting what he would bring.

Up in the Astronomy Tower, the three professors and the nurse were blissfully unaware that their employer was watching them. All four were sprawled in a pile of pillows they'd conjured up for the purpose, watching thin streamers of aromatic smoke curl toward the ceiling of the great observatory dome. The winter constellations sparkled brightly overhead. The only thing that could have made the night more perfect would have been a tray full of snacks, which they'd forgotten to bring and were now too lazy to get.

Naturally, Sprout, who had the earthiest personality, was the one to bring the conversation around to sex.

"If you had to sleep with one of the men at Hogwarts," she said, half-sitting up on her pillows, "who would you choose?"

Everyone groaned.

"You brought it up, Pomona," said Sinistra. "You go first."

"Hagrid," Sprout said promptly.

"WHAT?"

"HAGRID?"

"But he's so, so - " Sinistra searched for the right word. "Large," she finished.

"I _know_," said Sprout. "That's the _point_."

Try as they might, Pomfrey, Sinistra and McGonagall couldn't help laughing at the lustful expression on their colleague's round, innocent face. When they'd finished, McGonagall wiped her eyes on her sleeve and said "But don't you think he's a bit TOO large? I mean, he'd half kill you without even meaning to."

"I'd think of a way around that," Sprout said in determined tones.

"What about you, Minerva?" Sinistra asked.

McGonagall rolled over, curled up on her side and stared thoughtfully at the huge reflecting telescope in the center of the room.

"Well, Albus is very distinguished-looking," she began, and realized she'd made a mistake when everyone else collapsed, shrieking.

"I said he was distinguished-looking! That's all!" she yelled over the hoots of laughter. "I didn't necessarily mean that I -- oh, shut up, the lot of you. It's too much trouble to shout."

"I'm sorry, Minerva," Sinistra said weakly, holding her stomach. "It's just -- that beard of his --"

"Well, who would YOU want, then?" McGonagall asked. Her carefully plucked brows were drawn into such a fierce frown that Sinistra stopped laughing and answered immediately.

"I rather liked Remus Lupin when he was here," she said.

No one argued with this. Instead, there was a round of head-nodding and "Mmmms" of agreement.

"And you, Poppy?" McGonagall went on, looking over at Pomfrey, who was still smiling fondly at the thought of her erstwhile werewolf patient. Before Pomfrey could answer, however, there was a knock at the door, and all four women froze.

"Maybe they'll go away," Pomfrey whispered. But in a minute, another knock came. The room exploded into action.

"You answer it, Aurora!" hissed Sprout. She had whipped out her wand and was waving it about madly, sucking the floating smoke into it as if it were a handheld vacuum.

"Why me?" Sinistra asked.

"It's your tower, dolt!" snapped McGonagall, banishing the pillows with a sweep of her own wand.

"Oh!" Sinistra glanced down at herself. "Do I look all right?"

"Just GO!" said Sprout, Pomfrey and McGonagall in unison.

Sinistra opened the door with what she hoped was a calm, innocent air, and nearly choked when she saw who the visitor was.

"Good evening, Aurora," Dumbledore said. "I understand you're hosting a little gathering tonight."

"Er --" said Sinistra, wishing fervently that her head were clearer so she could think of a clever explanation. Fortunately for her, Dumbledore moved smoothly ahead.

"No need to explain," he said. His characteristic eye-twinkle was in full force. Sinistra was befuddled by it. Would he look this friendly if he were about to sack all of them? She didn't think so.

"I was wondering if I might drop in for a while," Dumbledore went on. His words caused a brief outburst on the other side of the door. ("Now's your chance, Minerva." "I told you to shut up about that, Poppy!" "OW!")

Dumbledore saw Sinistra floundering and tried to help her out some more.

"Really, you shouldn't be embarrassed! The best of us partake of a few mind-altering substances from time to time. Why, we serve wine with dinner every night here, don't we? As long as the students don't find out about our little indulgences, and we're able to carry out our duties, where's the harm?"

Sinistra just gaped at him, unable to believe this speech was coming from the venerable -- if famously eccentric -- wizard standing in front of her.

_I'm getting nowhere_, Dumbledore thought. He decided to play his trump card. From somewhere inside his robes, he pulled a large box emblazoned with the Honeydukes logo.

"I brought sweets," he said, and yelped in surprise as eight hands shot out and dragged him inside.

**A/N**: This story is dedicated to my husband, who read it and said "Dumbledore should have brought a bong. How can you have a dope-smoking story without a bong?" LOL


End file.
